The moral lives of children: Emotional health as important as physical

Harvard psychiatrist Robert Coles, in his insightful book The Moral Intelligence of Children, wrote about a nephew of William James, the great philosopher and psychologist, asking James what he ought to do with his life and how he ought to live it.

The nephew received this advice: “Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.”

One of the most famous sayings of the Dalai Lama is that his religion is kindness.

Kindness is indeed a universal virtue; few would disagree that the world would be a better place if there were more acts of kindness. But as we can see so clearly, the era we live in is marked by violence, wars, divisions, political vitriol and a culture driven by egos – possibly out of control at times.

About 10 years ago, Yale University News and the New York Times highlighted a seminal study on the early moral development of human beings, known as the Yale Puppet Study. The study was published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

The study, led by Yale’s Karen Wynn, a professor of psychology and cognitive science, showed that infants as young as nine months old prefer individuals who punish those who are not like them, and this seemingly innate mean streak grows stronger in the next five months of life. Babies, like adults, prefer individuals who like the same things they do. The study confirmed that babies want individuals who share their tastes to be treated well by others but want those whose tastes differ from their own to be treated badly.

When interviewed by media, Wynn observed that “We were surprised — and more than a little chagrined — to find that babies actively prefer individuals who mistreat someone whose tastes differ from theirs. But while our findings show that we may be built to dislike differences, we are also built to like similarities, and humans all around the world are similar in a multitude of ways.”

In the Yale report, Wynn is quoted as saying, “It may be that the more similarities babies recognize between themselves and others, the less they will want to see others harmed. When no other information is given, babies appear to dislike someone who differs from them. Their attitude may change if they had more information. The interesting question is what kinds of information allow us to transcend superficial differences and build upon our commonalities?

Thinking about “that interesting question” I suspect that when Daniel Goleman wrote his flagship book, Emotional Intelligence, more than 25 years ago, he had no clue how much it would be needed in our current era of turmoil, hate, and the seemingly endless proliferation of mental health concerns, teen suicide, gender confusion.

The subtitle of Emotional Intelligence is “Why it can matter more than IQ.” Ask any high school teacher, experienced psychologist, pediatrician or mental health expert and he or she is bound to insist that schools need to teach children and youth more about emotional intelligence, morals and mental resilience. Focusing on IQ alone is simply not cutting it anymore.

I have been told by well-meaning clergy that the root issue of today’s mental health crisis is the fact that fewer families attend a place of worship. Whether they have a point is up for debate. And yet, if morals were taught in the past in places of worship, where is it taught in 2024?

The same Robert Coles wrote several other books on these important topics, one being the Pulitzer Prize-winning, five-volume Children of Crisis and the bestselling The Spiritual Life of Children.

Having been a community-based pediatrician since 1987, I have become more aware of the need to not just look after the physical health of children but also to have conversations with parents about topics such as emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence when it is appropriate to do so.

Many parents are stressed out by the current demands of raising children in our culture where social media and technology seem to have the upper hand. In the U.S., the Surgeon General declared that parents are in a crisis and if it is not addressed it may lead to a serious public health dilemma down the road. I assume in Canada parents are no different; we just do not have a Surgeon General who raises these issues in a thoughtful, official manner.

For parents who are interested in the Yale Puppet study, there is a short video on YouTube done by the New York Times titled “Can Babies Tell Right from Wrong?” (Search “Yale Puppet Study”)

The well-known Catholic saint, Augustine, wrote “Let us sing a new song not with our lips but with our lives.” How timely it is to be reminded of that truth.

Dr. Nieman is the founder of Centre 70 Pediatrics and the author of three books. He recently completed his 116th marathon.